Sanity
by muttation
Summary: The void in his lost heart had caused him to spiral into deep depression, the death that occurred has caused him to isolate himself from the rest of the world. The girl who is spiraled back to him has caused him to feel again. He's losing every inch of rational thinking day by day. Everything he does, he thought it was for his sanity or..lack of sanity.


**a/n; **New story. I know I am not in the right state of mind but I had to publish this new story. So a mixture of angst, humor, romance and nostalgia (lol) anyway, enjoy this, if not then..bloop. Okay so, in this story. Eli has dated Clare. They broke up. He dated Imogen. He knows of Becky and the hockey team but he's not with Clare yet.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Degrassi.

**Summary:** The void in his lost heart had caused him to spiral into deep depression, the death that occurred has caused him to isolate himself from the rest of the world. The girl who is spiraled back to him has caused him to feel again. He's losing every inch of rational thinking day by day. Everything he does, he thought it was for his sanity or..lack of sanity.

* * *

Eli stared at his nimble fingers as he toyed with the pencil shavings that were scattered on his desk. He can hear noises before him, but his ears weren't completely open to listening. The teacher was talking about god knows what, he honestly doesn't care. The tight grip the annoying uniform shirt had on him was causing him to rummage in his seat, trying to get himself in a comfortable position. He bowed his head, keeping his complete attention on the useless pencil shavings he was now tearing apart, slowly breaking it into smaller pieces and the outcome looked familiar, just like his tattered heart. He sighed to himself and glanced at the scenery around him. He hated being in class, the people, the things.. it was just too much. He was so used to being alone in his room that this change of environment was..scary to him. Weird.

''Ahem. Mr Goldsworthy?'' It took Eli a few seconds to process that the teacher was talking to him and he finally looked up to see her arms crossed, her eyebrow cocked and a frown etched on her young features. Eli stumbled on a response so he kept his mouth shut. She looked at him and pointed to the board, unaware of Eli's incapability to..interact. She was a new math teacher who apparently didn't get the memo. After the tragic stunt his ex girlfriend, Imogen, pulled after he decided to break up with her he was isolated and quiet. Obviously, since no one can ever get over the fact that your own girlfriend threatened to take her own life if he broke up with her. The hardest part was, he did because he didn't believe she would do such a thing, and she did kill herself, because of him. Her death was on his conscience. It pained him greatly.

''Eli.'' She said and Eli stared at her blankly trying not to seem disrespectful despite the fact he didn't say anything. ''Please answer the following question.'' She then proceeded to explain the question and Eli thought about it the whole way through. Okay. He could do this.

''Uh.'' He managed to say and he looked at his thumbs reddening at the fact people are looking at him. ''The answer is x - 12.'' He mumbled and the teacher grinned at him after taking a few seconds to decipher the information. The teacher turned around and continued on her lesson and Eli sunk in his seat. He honestly wanted to break down in tears right there, he was just that emotional. The rest of the class went by slightly smoothly, he blocked everything around him and just put his concentrations on,yet again, the useless pencil shavings that seem to mirror his life entirely.

_x-x-x_

He slumped through the crowd of students as he walked toward his locker which was blocked by the hockey team. They took one glance at him and walked away. Everyone was aware of Eli's 'problems' and they didn't seem to have the heart to socialize with him. Although some people in school were jerks, they were good enough not to make fun. He'd rather be ignored then taunted.

Eli opened his locker with a small sigh before closing it to reveal an excited Adam, who was holding up a mock of a new comic they were raving about a week before. ''Eli guess what?'' Adam said jumping in his spot and Eli glanced at the comic than back at Adam.

''What?'' Eli muttered quietly and he leaned on the locker staring at the jumpy Adam that blocked him. He looked at Adam's appearance and noticed that Adam looked as messed up as Eli feels. Eli then made a mental note to ask Adam about that later.

''You know what.'' Adam grinned proudly and although Eli wanted to smile, his muscles couldn't seem to make the gesture. '' The original Spawn is on the rack, it started on bidding of almost 300. I'm more than sure its gonna get even more than that.'' Adam explained staring at the mock copy. Eli stared at Adam, with a serious face but Adam knew Eli well enough to figure out that Eli was happy, although his face begged to differ.

''You really need to smile more.'' Adam commented and Eli glared at Adam, who backed away in surrender. Adam knows all about Eli's traumatizing situation that caused him to not speak to anyone but..Adam and occasionally Fiona. Though he knew, deep down, Fiona hated him. She made it obvious, he would hate himself too if he knew the girl he liked was killed by his best friend. It was crazy to think of something so..rare like that but it happened to them. All of them.

''I'm sorry.'' Adam said as they began to walk and Eli looked ahead of him, avoiding eye contact. ''I shouldn't be insensitive. Though you know that's how I am, I try to lighten the mood.'' Adam said with a frown and Eli sighed picking up the pace.

''I know, but it still sucks Adam. You're little jokes are a little too soon.'' Eli responded and Adam gasped.

''Wow, Eli said more than three words. Two sentences actually!'' Adam said sarcastically and Eli glanced at him, giving him an annoyed look. ''Sorry..yet again.'' Adam mumbled and Eli shoved his hands in his pant's pockets before making a turn and walking into the auditorium looking around.

''Becky..'' He said under his breath and he knew Becky couldn't hear him but worth a shot. Then, as if on Que, Becky appeared from behind the curtain with a smile plastered on her milky face which caused Eli to shudder in annoyance. After the incident, Eli was going to quit the play but seeing the happy look on Becky's face after he told her (or wrote to her on a note) he couldn't come to do it. Anyway, this scored major points on his NYU application. Becky smiled at them, mostly Adam, then looked at Eli with a forced grin.

''Eli!'' She said, her voice high pitched and Eli winced as she came closer to him. She was aware of his sudden state but she never changed. Although he wasn't fond of her, he liked that she didn't change the way she acted around him. Hell, even Adam censors his words and actions around Eli now. Becky was his only constant right now. ''So since Imo- our painter for the sets is not present, I got a new one!'' She says happily and Eli clears his throat as Becky drags him up the stage steps and backstage.

''Look at this well painted set! It's so..inspiring.'' Becky said clutching her hands together and Eli made a puking gesture and Becky glared at him. ''Come on, be positive. Clare tried her hardest-''

''Clare?'' Eli choked out and the one named he never thought he would hear begun to flood through his mind. His ex-girlfriend, the girl he was with before all this happened. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, he wonders what she has been up to lately.

''I know, Clare Edwards isn't the best artist. She did have a little - no tons - of help from the newspaper club.'' Becky smiled staring at the final completion of the set of the first scene. ''They were the only ones willing to do it.'' Becky says with a love struck sigh. ''Personally, I think it came out fantastic.'' She traces her thumb on the set, staining her skin with dark strokes of green.

''I hate it.'' Eli mumbled and Becky looked back at him with a small gasp. He quickly turned and pushed the heavy red curtain aside, before walking down the steps and near the desk's sitting on his chair. He looked through the laptop and side-glanced at Adam who was sitting on the wooden seats, reading his mock comic in peace. Adam decided to accompany him every drama practice after the incident. Oh how people change.

Becky soon walked out with a sad face. ''Eli, whats wrong with you? You're not even in charge of sets.'' She said and walked toward him pointing to the laptop. '' You're lucky I even re-entered to do this play, I still don't support the unrealistic lifestyle.'' Becky says obnoxiously and Adam looks up from his comic only to give Becky an evil look. Becky ignored this and looked back at Eli who was looking at their script.

''Two gay guys.'' Adam said suddenly. ''Seems to fit well.''

_x-x-x-x_

Eli sighed as he walked over to Fiona who was reading a magazine, in deep thought. He tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around, frowning at the sight of Eli. ''Oh. Eli.'' Fiona greeted and shoved the magazine in her over sized bag. ''Have you taken your pills?'' She asked out of the blue and Eli ignored this question, handing her a flyer.

''Oh.'' She said staring at it, scanning the brightly colored words (Becky's work) on the pink flyer and Fiona bit the inside of her cheek. ''Tickets to see the play next month. Pretty early, but I can't come.'' Fiona handed him back the flyer and Eli stared at it, with a slight frown. Fiona has built a barrier between Eli and herself after the Imogen incident. Once upon a time, they were inseparable. Now they can't stand to look at each other without thinking about the death of their best friend. He hated this.

''Imogen would have been happy to know you attended.'' Eli responds timidly and so silent, Fiona had to lean in to hear him. Which she did, and he earned a low groan from Fiona. She crossed her arms, anger boiling in her intense orbs. Her cheeks reddened and her breathing had suddenly changed to intense.

''You have no right to speak about Imogen.'' Fiona responded and Eli stared at the flyer, indifferent. This was a daily schedule, it pains him to bring up Imogen but that was the only way he could speak to Fiona. By bringing up her dead crush. ''God Eli, you're such a dick.'' Her eyes glisten. ''You have to bring her up, do you?'' She leaned in but Eli didn't flinch. Heck, he was still staring at the flyer with a blank face.

''I'm sorr-''

''Don't even bother.'' Fiona says in distaste and she pushes passed him, her arms crossed and Eli gulps down a ball of nothing. It felt like a weight has been placed on his shoulders as he begins to walk around the library aimlessly, crumpling the flyer and throwing it on the ground. Which received a slight groan from someone almost..under him.

Clare.

His eyes widened as he took a step back to witness the girl he wrapped his life around when they dated. No. He can't be around her, his life is already hung by a slowly breaking string. She shouldn't add the weight. Though he was to late, she was already uncomplaining the paper. '' I think this is yours.'' Clare said, almost innocently as if she didn't know she was breaking him..slowly and painfully.

''Keep it.'' He responds and Clare gave him a confused look. ''Take it, I don't want..it.'' He said silently and his lips twitch as Clare begins to stand up. Eli looks scared for lack of better words. It did, it did scare him to stand in the presence of Clare Edwards. His ex-girlfriend, the cause of all this. He knows its not good to blame her since she was never affiliated with Imogen nor Fiona except for only once, but blaming her feels..right in an odd way. It gave him a relieving sensation.

''The play, huh?'' Clare says, with slight hesitance. She snorts and Eli gives her a dumbfounded look staring at her, taking small step's away from her. '' After love roulette-'' Clare stopped herself and Eli paused, waiting to hear what she has to say. Clare shook her head and looked back at her notes. ''Nevermind.'' She mutters and Eli looks at her before turning and almost running out the library in horror. He can feel his emotions racing as he speed walks down the hall and into the guys bathroom where he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Hollow cheeks. Dark rings around his light green eyes. He honestly looks drained. He sighed to himself and gripped on the edge of the sink before breathing in, doing as his shrink told him. Breath in. Breath out. Perfect method.

''Then he said-'' Two boys walked and spotted Eli who had his head lowered, staring at the ground breathing heavily. The boys stared at him as Eli tried to do the normal exercise. _Just block everything else out Eli. Just you and I. Forever. _

''Shut up, Imogen.'' He said out loud and the boys looked at each other than back at Eli. ''Get out of my _fucking _head.'' He added shaking his head and he knew he was slowly breaking down. He was having a meltdown right there, in the guys bathroom.

''Please..'' He said and he stared at himself in the mirror, tears already finding their way to the floor. ''Please get out.''

* * *

**Okay. I do not know what to make of this but I liked it. I feel like im taking a different road. Reviews would be nice, and I hoped you liked it. Till then, you magnificent bastards. Yes, I quoted Tristan Milligan. Yes, im proud of it.**


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